Monthly Archives: October 2011

Cultural Implications of the Halloween Harlot

The history of slutty Halloween costumes has been well chronicled since its inception in the 1900’s. But why do we wear slutty costumes? What are the cultural implications? How did a holiday meant to celebrate pagan fertility rituals turn into one that celebrated meaningless hookups? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. Just curious.

I guess it only makes sense that the oldest Halloween costume tradition stems from the worlds oldest profession. In the end, aren’t we all prostitutes whoring in some form or another? The HBO series Hung tells it best. Don’t front. We are all either metaphorical or literal hookers.

 

Men and women alike use Halloween as an excuse to be what they secretly desire year round and it’s allowed because it’s a costume. Halloween is the one time of the year when we can take off our 364-day a year costume we call life and be what we want to be.

You don’t agree?

Look at the Crucible for your empirical data. Witches, entities commonly attributed to Halloween, were most likely burned at the stake in the Quaker days because of their adulterous ways.

 

Just look at that fatass. Seductive

 

Trick or treat?

Sounds like something a hooker would say. We learn at an early age to prostitute ourselves for the first drug we were introduced to as children – some of that sweet sugar.

Look at me. Pay me. I will wear this ridiculously awesome costume. Just gimme that Twix bar.

 

Halloween is the time of the year to express our inner harlot. Happy Halloween everyone. May  your inner hooker run rampant :).

Paz y Mucho Amor,

Cho Guevara

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Remake Rebuttal

Dear Cho-d,

First of all, no one can be perfect for the role of Lieutenant Kimball, Kindergarten cop. No one except Arnold Schwarzenneg circa 1990. I might accept Dwayne Johnson as Lieutenant Kimball under 2 conditions.

1. He does the movie in an Austrian accent.

2. The director recreates the fight scene between the Rock and Ernie Reyes Junior AKA Kino and Surf Ninja.

Colin Farrel as Quaid in Total Recall is a bust no matter how I look at it. Pure bullshit to have Bullseye be the younger generation’s Martian Right’s Activist. For the love of God. Think of the children.

Seeing a three boobed prostitute in Total Recall psychologically damaged me as well. Visually, two boobs would never satisfy me again… until I saw the three nippled fortune teller from Mallrats.

I will watch this movie because John Cho is my hero. John Cho or Harold from White Castle. I still have not sorted that out.

Since we are talking about new remakes… have you heard they are making an American version of the movie Oldboy?  Originally, sources said that Steven Spielberg would direct Oldboy and cast the Fresh Prince as the lead. Now the project is going to be directed by Spike Lee with Josh Brolin from W. as lead. I see some potential there. Personally I think Tim Burton should direct it and cast either Denzel in dreads or an enraged Johnny Depp. Maybe Mickey Rourke if he didn’t look like Jack Nicholson. Actually, Jack Nicholson would have been perfect for this role.

Paz y Mucho Amor,

CG

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Ramenface-itis

Ramenface-itis – though technically not a medical condition till the turn of the decade, Ramenface-itis originated during the onset of Japan’s Edo Era. In 1603 feudal Japan, local villagers often referred to the condition as Fatface-son or Godzilla. Although the Japanese invented ramen, Koreans elevated ramyun to a whole new level… 300 percent of your daily sodium intake.

The chain reaction that leads to Ramenface-itis:

  1. Eat ramen noodles
  2. Drink the delectable salt infused soup
  3. Fall asleep from the MSG content

The Average Chos warn that you will wake up with a face twice the normal size and experience symptoms comparable to a hangover.

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