What I’ve learned from Cubelandia thus far…
1. Washing your hands is challenging when wearing dress shirts
2. Bathrooms are a good place to take naps.
3. Clipping your work ID to your belt is convenient but people can see your smiling face in the bathroom stall next over when you’re pants are huddled at your ankles.
Why do so many of us take our jobs for granted? There are a plethora of unemployed out there who suffer from the daily realities of poverty. I saw a lady get fired today. The first thing I did was post on Facebook how scary it was.
Facebook is a disease; a compulsion driven by the inner rage for sexy time. Some people believe that to give up Facebook is to give up possibilities of a promising sex life. Other people claim they don’t want to get rid of Facebook because they fear they will lose touch with people, which of course would happen upon deactivation.
How many people do we need in our lives? If those people are important to you, you shouldn’t lose touch with them… right? What you do lose is the opportunity for a more active sex life because you have contact with fewer people and thus statistically fewer women. Ergo, talk to fewer potential mates.
Yet this opportunity for procreation is only perceived. It’s not like having Facebook increases the number of men and/or women you sex a year. Or maybe it does. I should conduct a study.
Office work. It’s everything I wanted in life. My very own cubicle. No having to stand outside in the cold telling people urgent political messages. No cultural barriers that come with underdeveloped countries. I get weekends off, can afford something other than the dollar menu, and can chug all the free coffee I want. Yes, I have become a model member of the dysfunctional corporate work force. Unfortunately, I’m getting used to it. What was luxurious at first is now routine… a routine that feels slightly more anesthetized each day. Soon my very means of fiscal liberation will be my imprisoner. My cubicle walls will close in on me, giving me the impulse to fuck shit up and tell co-workers they are racist.
Keeping amused is the best way to prevent the meltdowns articulated above. I do what I can. I recently came down with a case of the shingles. Shingles kept me busy for a few weeks. Every time I took a breath or swiveled in my chair, I felt the sharp neurotic wrath of God shoot through my left rib cage into my soul.
I didn’t get any skin diseases when fighting the good fight in Honduran jungles. I had to come back to America to get this non-sexy version of third-world herpes. To fight the pain, the doctor at the urgent care center gave me a bottle of percocets. The shingles and pain went away about two weeks ago.
I developed several techniques to stay amused at work.
1. Chugging lots and lots of coffee
2. Frequent bathroom excursions resulting from chugging lots and lots of coffee
3. Percocets for the headaches resulting from chugging lots and lots of coffee… only a few more left. This option will soon come to a close.
4. Scramble With Friends while sitting in the stall during the frequent bathroom excursions that result from chugging lots and lots of coffee
5. Perfectly sizing and manipulating my web browser to avoid detection and chastising from the boss
Office scramblings brought to you by a cubed revolutionary, CG³